death is a surprise party… unless, of course, you’re already dead on the inside.

i just want to cry. slash, swallow and cry. i don’t even know why it’s supposed to be perfect. i guess it’s my job to keep everything clean.. and i think he stays out of the way because he thinks i’m so OCD that i will get mad at him if he does something differently.

well, at this state of mind i probably would snap.

i’m just sick of pretending that i always know where i am and what is going on. i’m not the person he met last year. i keep changing.. because i think i need to do more things to him, to get him to like me more. i don’t know why. it’s becoming an obsession.

i feel so hopeless, it’s as if i’m waiting for someone.. or at least something to save me. but i know nobody but me can save me. and the trick is to know that i’m strong enough to save myself.

but what if you don’t feel that strong?

this is the second day at our new apt. he was kind enough to set up his laptop for me so i could come here. well… nice, the SI chat is on. well i’m in now. he’s raving… should be home by 4. i hope i’ll be asleep by then. my back is hurting, have been sitting here for too long. talked to people… i didn’t think i had anyone to talk to on msn… but apparently i do.

and the SI chat is a nice plus.

my legs are hurting real bad from carrying all the furniture and stuff.  i stretched last night, i’m not sure if it’s helping. tomorrow we’re going to look for even more furniture and we’ve got to rig the couch here… that’s my biggest fear. then i think we can rest.

wmd had posted the taqiyya haden doc in his blog… i think i’m going to save the link i found so we can watch it when we’re done with all this crazy stuff.

ok. now my back hurts… been sitting here for too long. i guess i’ll go to sleep with the pill tonight. been spending too much time here in the bedroom… grrr. he wanted the computer here. we had to re-watch “fear and loathing in las vegas” because i switched and missed most of it. the joys of being multiple, indeed.